


he really doesn't want to die, actually.

by highwarlockofangst



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (kind of), Alec Lightwood Needs to Avoid Sharp Things for My Personal Health, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Not as Angsty as You Could Have Been, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 12:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10536042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/highwarlockofangst/pseuds/highwarlockofangst
Summary: He needs to figure this out, fast, so here's the situation. Valentine's minion is in the position of power, because he has Alec. If Alec can get out of where he's trapped against the man's body, he could kill him in seconds, but he doesn't see a way to make that happen. If he kills Alec, Jace and Magnus will be safe, but the man's not going to do it, not if he can get them to Valentine, if only because otherwise he'll never make it out of this room. Therefore, Alec needs to find another way to make sure that the man doesn't have him.That's not it, though, is it? Alec needs to find a way to make sure the man doesn't have him alive.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I actually have no idea when this is set, so just like... at a Random Point one of Valentine's minions has broken into the Institute. This is entirely based on the TV show, so it may or may not comply with book canon.
> 
> Edit: An additional scene was added due to requests for Alec and Magnus to talk about this!

Alec is very carefully studying the situation, trying to work out what's best to do next, but it's difficult when he's distracted by fear. There is a blade pressed to his throat, the edge tilted slightly upwards. He's vividly aware of the speed of his breath, the pound of his heart. When he inhales, his throat moves very slightly outwards, pressing gently into the metal. He tries to breathe as shallowly as possible.

It's one of Valentine's minions who's holding the blade, standing at Alec's back. How did he get into the Institute? He's tall, just shorter than Alec himself, and he's a decent fighter. Fast. Twitchy. There is no movement Alec would be able to make without him making the cut. Alec's head is leaned back, slightly, to make up for the height difference.

Jace and Magnus are there, across the room. They're as frozen as Alec, though - not because of other threats against their lives, but because of the one against his. He hates that. He's the reason they're in this position, because he was enough of an idiot to walk in by himself when they knew there was something wrong with the wards, to get caught and bring them running. This means that he ought to be the one getting them out, but he's searching through the situation over and over, and he can't think of any way to do so. 

He really doesn't want to die, actually. Things are okay. He and Jace are on good terms, brothers again. Izzy's there for him, like always. And Magnus is... wonderful, really. Alec does not want to leave these people. Alec wants more time, as much as he can get. Years of possibility dwindle to seconds on the edge of that blade. Alec is afraid.

Jace and Magnus are afraid, too. He can tell by their faces. Jace's eyes are flickering between Magnus, the minion, the blade, Alec, waiting for the next move, trying to figure out what to do. Magnus is warier, the swirling magic around his hand diminishing slowly, no doubt trying not to startle the man by moving too fast. His eyes do not meet Alec's and he thinks that maybe Magnus is too afraid of what he'll see.

"You two are coming with me to Valentine," says the man, his voice a quavering wreckage, his breath on Alec's neck. "Any sudden movements and this one dies." To underline his point, he reaches up and wrenches back Alec's head, exposing more vulnerable throat, keeping the blade in place.

So that's how it is. Alec thinks about how torn apart Jace was after the time he spent on Valentine's ship. Alec thinks about how Valentine kept Downworlders - thinks about Magnus, caged. Alec thinks about how it would be his fault, his fault, his fault. Sure, he's afraid to die, but with that choice, it's easy. "Don't-" He manages the one word before the blade is pressed down a little harder, breaking skin. His breath hitches as rivulets of blood drip down his throat, his shirt. Still he shakes his head slightly. They have to understand. He is not worth that. Even if they weren't his to protect, they are too powerful to be in Valentine's hands.

Jace shakes his head and lowers his seraph blade to the ground. The magic Magnus had left dwindles and dies. No. He cannot let this happen.

He needs to figure this out, fast, so here's the situation. Valentine's minion is in the position of power, because he has Alec. If Alec can get out of where he's trapped against the man's body, he could kill him in seconds, but he doesn't see a way to make that happen. If he kills Alec, Jace and Magnus will be safe, but the man's not going to do it, not if he can get them to Valentine, if only because otherwise he'll never make it out of this room. Therefore, Alec needs to find another way to make sure that the man doesn't have him.

That's not it, though, is it? Alec needs to find a way to make sure the man doesn't have him alive. 

It's hard, but it's the only chance that Jace and Magnus have; in a way it's easy. He finally gets Magnus to meet his eyes, for a fraction of a second, and he thinks he understands, because he can see surprise, horror. He really loves them both, and he hopes they know that, and he hopes that they'll defeat Valentine and be safe and well.

It's just a shame I won't be there to see it, he thinks as he jerks his head forward and the blade goes through his throat. 

It's impossible not to let out an involuntary cry, because it hurts and he's going to die and he's got so much left to do. He thinks somebody else cries out too, but he's not sure because his hearing seems questionable at best. He is falling, there's an impact, somebody's yelling, there are flashes of bright light. Is that death or Magnus' magic?

They'll do okay without him. It'll be alright. He's so tired; he can rest.

*

The Shadowhunter boy is lying on the ground in a way that is not quite natural, his neck red and open. There's more blood pooling on the floor than anyone can afford to lose. He has the still quality of awaiting death; his breathing is slower, shallower, by the second.

Magnus Bane runs to him, crouches at his side, hovers over his face, which was pale, which is paler still now. As he reaches him, the beautiful eyes close, the head falling limply to one side, and panic rises up in Magnus. "Hold on," he says, unsure whether or not Alec can hear him. "I can fix this. Don't go." Raising his hands, he summons his power, anything to heal the boy's ruined throat, anything. His hands are shaking.

"Why would he do that?" Jace asks, fear quickening his words, which were lined with confusion, disbelief. "Why would he do that? I don't understand." Denial stops him getting any understanding from the parabatai bond. He is crying. What's he going to tell Izzy, if Alec... if they lose the boy who looks like he's already lost? Where he kneels beside him, he kneels in blood.

"Because he didn't want us to go," says Magnus. He speaks slow, pouring his main energy into the wound. "Because he doesn't think he-" this boy who is full of life and brilliance and wonder, this boy who deserves so much better than a knife in the throat and a pool of blood "-is worth that." The words are accompanied by a flick of his fingers, a portion of skin sealing up. There is no movement from Alec. No breath of life.

Jace swears, swears again. One hand comes to a rest in the boy's dark hair, the other pressed against his own parabatai rune. "Magnus, I can feel him going." His voice trembles, thick with tears. "There's barely any of him left, Magnus, please."

With an explosive flourish of Magnus' hands, the throat is healed into a cohesive whole. The skin is as clear and pure as it had been with a blade pressed to it, and Magnus wishes that he could get that image out of his head, but he doesn't think that he ever will, not even in his long immortal life. "Come on," he says, lifting Alec's head with gentle fingers along his cheekbone. He is not meant to have much time with Alec, but they are meant to have more than this, and he can't help but feel cheated. "I healed it, Alec. You can come back."

"Please, Alec," Jace adds softly. "I don't want to do this without you." The years stretch out before him, cold and grey without his parabatai at his side-

Alec takes a shuddering breath and his eyes flutter open.

Jace's head slumps down in relief, closing his eyes tight, and then opening them, just as fast, to look at Alec. He doesn't want to lose a second with him, no, not when he could lose him again at any moment. He's alive. He's alive.

Magnus keeps his hand on Alec's face, as if he can't quite believe he's real, as if holding him will keep him here. There are tears in his eyes, and he is still shaking. So that's what losing Alec will feel like.

"I-" Alec struggles with words, eyes flicking between them, stunned. "I was dying. Are you two-" He looks around the room. "No. I'm alive. How-?" He shakes his head, like he doesn't care, and tries to sit, but ends up leaning back down. "You're both fine, though, right? Tell me you're fine."

"We're fine," said Jace. "You're the one who got..." He doesn't know how to say it. The image of Alec moving forward into the blade unhelpfully replays over and over in his mind.

There's a bite of anger in Magnus' voice, as well as exhaustion, Alec's healing taking its toll. "How could you? You would have died, Alec. You would have killed yourself. If it had taken a second longer to kill him, if there had been any difference with the wound, with the way I healed you, we would have lost you. How could you think that that wasn't worth us going to Valentine? Worth it a thousand times over?"

Alec shakes his head again, the simple effort dizzying him. "It doesn't matter now," he says, and there's still blood on his lips. "You healed me. It doesn't matter." He's on the verge of crying, too, though he hates it. He gets to live. He gets to spend this time, years and years, with those that he loves. If anything, he's glad he reached a point where he's this glad about living.

"It matters," Magnus says simply. "We'll talk about that later. Right now, we need to figure out how that guy got into the Institute."

"Right," says Alec, trying to sit up again, managing so long as he leans heavily on Jace's shoulder.

"And you need to rest."

"What? No." He turned to Jace for support. "Come on. We need to-" He winced as his head swirled, still suffering the effects of blood loss. "There could be more."

"You did just almost die," Jace offered. "And there's enough of your blood there to feed a vampire for weeks."

"Also," Magnus chimed in, standing and opening a portal with a wave of his fingers, "a certain warlock stole you away. Nothing you could do, really." He offered a hand to Alec, who accepted it reluctantly. With Magnus helping him up, they stepped together into the portal.

*

Alec really doesn’t want to have this conversation. Magnus is back and the ‘you need to rest’ grace period is almost certainly over, because he’s giving Alec the ‘we need to have a talk about this’ look, which accompanies every conversation that Alec would like to avoid. Alec can’t actually see him from where he’s lying on the couch, but at this point he’s pretty sure he can sense this expression all the way to the Institute.

Ideally, in this situation, he would address the issue, but because he’s Alec Lightwood he closes his eyes and hopes Magnus thinks he’s asleep.

“Alexander.”

So much for that. “What did Jace say?” he says, without opening his eyes. “Were there more in the Institute? How’d they get in-”

“Three more. And we still don’t know.” A pause. “Several have been injured. Somebody died - I don’t know who, I didn’t recognize the name.”

“I should have been there.”

“You could barely stand.”

“I could’ve done something.” His eyes open; he tilts his head slightly to one side in Magnus’ general direction, but he’s behind him so he still can’t see. “Izzy. Clary. They were still out?”

“Yes.”

He sighs in relief. He’d known that there was no reason to suspect they’d come back early, but if there’d been any way that something had happened, and he’d been here, resting… “Does Izzy know where I am?”

“She came to see you,” Magnus explains. From the sounds, Alec thinks he’s pouring himself a drink. “You were asleep, though.”

He can feel his eyebrows furrow. “How long was I out?”

Finally, Magnus comes into view. He gestures towards the window, and Alec sees that it’s been shut up against the night. So much for Shadowhunter skills of observation. “All day.” He sits down, and now the ‘we need to have a talk about this’ look is actually visible. “Alec.”

He can accurately pinpoint how much he does not want to have this conversation. “Magnus, it’s fine.”

“It is not fine,” Magnus snaps. “You are here in this room because you cut your own throat and you nearly died. Nothing about that is fine.” He takes a sip and the glass shakes slightly too much. Something in Alec cringes because that’s his fault and he’s so sorry.

Still. “There’s nothing else I could have done.” He’s sorry that he caused that pain, but it doesn’t change anything. “You and Jace would’ve gone to Valentine. I couldn’t let that happen, so I made sure it didn’t. I won’t apologize for that.”

“You’d do it again.”

Yes. He doesn’t say anything, though.

“It would be better if - if you’d thought I’d be able to save you. But I know you didn’t. You thought you were going to die, and you did it anyway. If I hadn’t had my powers - for whatever reason, I don’t know - you still would have done it.”

Yes. “But you did. Like I said, it doesn’t matter. I’m fine, you aren’t with Valentine, I don’t see what the problem is.” He’s angry. He doesn’t know why, exactly, but yep, that’s anger. “No, that’s not true, I know exactly what it is.”

Magnus leans back in his seat, crosses his legs, raises an eyebrow. “Do enlighten me, then.”

“You were going to go!” He hasn’t allowed himself to think about this, but now he does, it’s so stupid and he can’t believe it. “If I hadn’t done what I did, you were going to go with him to Valentine, and he would’ve taken the three of us. Have you got any idea what it would be like if the High Warlock of Brooklyn was under Valentine’s control? The panic it would cause?” Magnus looks stricken, and Alec thoroughly hates himself, but his mouth won’t stop moving. “Say we were taken, and he threatened me again, but this time you had to work with Valentine - work for the destruction of your own kind? What would you have done then?”

“I don’t know,” says Magnus in a hard voice that Alec’s not used to. “I would have figured something out.”

“Well, that’s what I did. I figured something out, and if that had meant that I died, then I don’t care.” And he doesn’t. Sure, he didn’t want to die, he doesn’t, but if that had been necessary, then he didn’t mind. “I just don’t care.” He doesn’t quite know why he can’t meet Magnus’ eyes. Maybe he doesn’t want to know what the response is to that.

Magnus is getting up. Magnus is angry. Magnus is slamming something - at least it’s not the door, although that would get Alec out of this conversation he did not sign up for. He’s gone and ruined everything, hasn’t he? Is that the price he has to pay, instead of his life - Magnus?

“Don’t you care - at all - whether you live or you die?” 

So that’s how it is. Magnus isn’t angry at Alec, exactly. He’s angry that Alec may not care about Alec, which is a subtly different thing. Is this about the party for Max’s rune ceremony? Still?

Alec hunts for something he can say that will make this whole thing go away, but he’s not going to lie. There’s a long pause. “I was glad,” he tries. “When you healed me, and I realised I wasn’t dead. I swear. I won’t pretend that I did it thinking you would, but I was glad that you saved me. That I got to live.”

Was that the right thing to say? He isn’t good at this part; he’s aware that it makes things between them better, a lot better, but he doesn’t know how to talk about these things, express them.

“Well,” says Magnus in a considerably softened voice. “That’s something.”

Something is better than nothing, and it’s enough for Alec - more than enough.

“Also,” Magnus adds in a lofty tone, “I feel it’s my duty to inform you that Izzy had a moustache drawn on your face. Clary did it, so it’s actually very artistic.”

Alec puts a hand over his face and sighs.


End file.
